just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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