May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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