I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
