Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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