please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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