we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
