I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
