the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
