You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
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ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
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I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize