I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
