just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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