he thought i was a dude.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
