The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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