So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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