When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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