I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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