Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
