His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
