I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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