this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
