im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
