I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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