i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.