Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
