So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
