i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
