I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
