is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
