I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
