I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
