Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
