Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
