I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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