i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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