LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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