I met the friendliest cop last night
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
whose ass print is on the piano?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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