I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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