Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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