I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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