He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
