As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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