I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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