she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
