Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
