I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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