Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
