im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
