i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
