Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
