I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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