So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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