Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
