OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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