I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
