I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
