I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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