she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
