If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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