He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
