i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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