Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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