In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
